Dalton Ray Hill 3/4/2014

I almost didn't share this story.

I know now that every pregnancy, birth, and child are different. Completely different.

I shared so much of baby Robert I wanted to hide this child away from the world until I was certain no harm would come to him. But we still have a lifetime to go and I can only protect him from so much so here goes, the story of his journey earth side.

Dalton was born a week and 6 days late by the standard 40 week birth clock, but he came on his own time when he was good and ready.

I delivered him at Special Beginnings Birth Center. We barely made it because at 42 weeks you are no longer a candidate for the birth center, you have to deliver in a hospital. The last time I was in a hospital with a a baby I had to hand him over to a funeral director. There was no way I was going back there. No flipping way. So we staged an eviction to get him out before that dreaded cut off. I had 3 rounds of acupuncture, walked every day, took labor tincture, pumped and did some other extra curriculars. It finally came down to my lovely midwife, who met me in a snow storm the day prior, stripping my membranes that gave him just enough of a push to get things going. I met her at 4:30 on the 3rd and by 11:30pm that night we were back at the birth center ready to go. I had an amazing team by my side, including my midwife Myra, doula Lorrie Leigh, a nurse who just happened to be the infamous Ann Sober (owner/director of Special Beginnings, Robert, and all the friends and family who held our hands along the way. 

In their capable hands Dalton was born in the water at 5:30am on the 4th. It got a little hairy there at the end. My babies don't like those last few pushes to get them out. His heart rate dropped a little too low and everyone was urging me (rather loudly) to push him out already. I obliged and they placed him into my arms.

It has been one hell of a journey...physically and emotionally. While I will always feel a part of my family is missing his birth brought a much welcomed dose of healing to our home.   

Hug your babies for me today and tell them you love them. 

Full Fall

This fall has been filled to the brim with wonderful family fun time. 

Robert came home from an extended work trip and we have packed together time into every minute since he has been home. 

First he had to shave off that nasty beard. 

Then we spent and entire free day at Kings Dominion courtesy of my moms work. Thanks mom and Mary Pat for riding the rides 389762 times with Lenora. 

Then we went to the Maryland Renaissance festival on my birthday. This is a yearly tradition that we love. I bought the best hair combs ever from these lovely folks as a birthday present to myself. 

Then it was off to the pumpkin patch. 

And brunch with the family on the water, then Nebraska game watching with matching outfits. 

I am tired just thinking about all that fun. Now we are in slowdown mode, spending more time indoors, cleaning corners and getting ready for winter. I hope your fall was as fun filled as ours was. 

Blueberry Love

I’m baaaack. We have been battling the mother of all stomach virus’s in this house the past week or so. It was bad, very, very bad. First Lenora, then me and then Grandma JoJo. It just knocks you down, but I am happy to say I can now leave the house without fear, and that is a good thing, a very, very good thing.
 

Summer is in full force here on the sweltering hot muggy east coast. And when summer rolls around I get food on the brain. I start plotting what farmers markets and farms I want to visit and what delicious meals I want to cook.

Delmarva watermelons and tomatoes, it makes me giddy.

So, when the local you pick family owned organic blueberry patch announced open picking we were on it. You have to strike while the fruit is ripe so to say, for you never know when a dry spell or too many fruit stalkers like myself will wipe out the crop. 

I think we hauled in 20lbs this year. Lenora had a blast emptying my berries into her bucket and then into Roberts bucket. There have been lots of blueberry pancakes for breakfast and lots of bags going into the freezer. There may be a crumble in my future, perhaps a paleo version, since I have a stash of almond flour I need to dig into.  

Happy summer picking everyone. 

Cracked Egg

We had an impromptu easter egg dying get together courtesy of Grandma JoJo. 

These traditional holiday things slip my mind these days. Im sure it will get better but we just kinda go with it, whatever happens. 

It was nice, really nice. I need to be better at remembering to do this, making more happy memories and messes, lots of happy messes. 

Maybe we are like this egg. Cracked but beautiful. And man is that one beautiful egg. Tasty with salt too. 

Hope you all had a nice Easter, Spring Equinox or whatever celebration it is that brings you joy. 

You Are a Child of the Universe

This photo was taken a week before our world came crashing down. 

We were on our first family vacation in Nags Head, NC and waiting the arrival of our 2nd baby due the day after Christmas 2012.  Life was grand, Robert was home from work travel and we had 2 healthy kids...so we thought. 

When we got back from vacation we went for our 20 week ultrasound on August 6th to find out the sex of the baby and put to rest the great circumcision debate Robert and I were having. The tech found something wrong, called in the doctor at the sonogram office who mentioned I had low fluid and called my midwife. At this point we didn't think much of it and waited for what to do next. The midwife sent me straight to a specialist in Annapolis to get a better look. It was at the specialists office they dropped the bomb. 

Bilateral Renal Agenesis, also known as Potters Syndrome. Our baby had no kidneys, nothing, not even a speck of a kidney. That is what was causing the low fluid. They told us it was "not compatible with life" and there was zero chance our baby would live. I could feel the baby move, it was most certainly alive. What happens with Potters Syndrome is that the placenta keeps the baby alive until birth. Once born, due to the lack of kidneys and no amniotic fluid the baby's lungs are underdeveloped and the baby will die. There is also greater chance the baby will die in the womb or during birth, but if born alive will live only a few hours. 

We were given two options, carry on or decide on an early induction and end the pregnancy. This has got to be the biggest mind fuck ever in the history of all mankind. My baby was alive, its heart and brain were all there and working perfectly, I was keeping it alive but when it is born it would die, and they were giving me the option to make it happen sooner. We went home and I cried myself sick and spent the next few days trying to figure out what to do. Ultimately we decided to let the baby decide how long he/she was going to live. It was not our place to decide to take this child's life. So now we wait and while we plan for a birth we are also planning for a death. We love this baby and we wanted this baby and we are going to give it all the love we can until it grows wings and flys away. 

Never in a million years could I have predicted this and I would not wish this kind of pain on anyone but I keep telling myself there is a reason, there has to be to all this, this baby will change our lives forever and perhaps the lives of others and for that it will all be worth it. 

I keep coming back to one of my favorite poems, Desiderata, and a line in it gives me great comfort:

"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

Payday

I am not the biggest fan of my husbands job. He travels 50% of the time, and is gone for weeks and months a stretch. Many a night, particularly after I have been up with a feverish babe, alone, again, I have thought about stamping my wifely foot and demanding he quit and sell insurance 9-5 until the end of time. But, he loves his job, the pay is good, its not forever and absence really does make the heart grow fonder. You learn to appreciate each other more when you have such a limited time together.

Then, there are days like today where I sing the praises of his job and jump for joy. He always asks what I want on his travels and my answer is always the same....fabric. This little stash came from a good friend and co-worker who just returned from Africa. Come to mamma.

Take a look at these beauties. The colors are to die for, deep and vibrant. The prints are beautiful. I just want to snuggle with them and never cut them.
This blue one is begging to become a little shirt or dress for Lenora. I could cut the neckline in that dark circle and keep the rest of the design intact.
Can you see her little feet hiding. I love the purple, orange and green together.
Its hard to tell but those sunbursts are gold and sparkly. It looks almost like an asian print to me.

I cannot wait to figure out all sorts of new projects to put these fabrics to use. Maybe his job isn't so bad after all.

Bridging The Gap

I was at the doctors office the other day and noticed a woman knitting. So I sat down close and asked her what she was working on. It was a sweater for one of her grandchildren. She explained to me her choice in yarn, her pattern alterations, and how she likes to knit and watch TV. We had a great chat for 20 or so minutes while we both waited, then her name was called. It was a lovely moment, there in the waiting room, so often filled with frustration, thinking of the time you are wasting while waiting. This particular wait did not feel like that at all and it got me thinking about generation gaps. I find myself talking more to my friends moms or grandmothers about sewing than people my own age. It makes me sad in a way. I wish I could share my love of sewing with more people in my age demographic.

My grandmother taught me to sew and for that I am eternally grateful. It's a skill that not only has brought me great joy but is extremely useful. I hope to one day teach Lenora and just maybe she will love it too. But until then I get to dress her in all sorts of handmade goodies.