Thursday, October 4, 2012

Thou Shall Not Compare

It has been really hard for me to relate to other mothers/parents/people lately. Heck, it’s hard for me to relate to anyone these days. I find myself comparing the events in their lives to my kidney-less baby.

When I hear someone talk about how terrible it is that their kids have hand foot and mouth disease or their dog crapped on their bed again or their husband is being an asshat (man I love that word), I want to scream “YOU THINK YOUR LIFE SUCKS, MY BABY IS GOING TO DIE. PUT THAT IN YOUR PITY PIPE AND SMOKE IT”. I would gladly take on all that you think is crappy in exchange for a working kidney. Just one, we only need one. Bring it on sister.

But I know that is not the answer and it would be a particularly nasty and insensitive thing for me to say.

Being in a situation like this really slaps you in the face with a dose of perspective. What I used to think was bad is nothing compared to this. Not even close.

Nevertheless, life isn’t about comparing. Comparing will make you bat shit crazy, be it my soon to be dead baby to your live one, or your parenting choices or even the way you comb your hair. Nothing will ever seem equal or fair. And it’s not supposed to. My path is not the same as your path, nor would I ever want it to be. 

Which brings me to the point of this post.

This is one of my mother’s favorite nuggets of wisdom.

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” Longfellow

If you saw Robert, Lenora and I walking down the street you might think what a nice, all American, 1.5 children family we are. You would have no idea the personal hell we are living. The same can be said about each and every one of you. Your bought of hand foot and mouth disease or asshat husband only scratches the surface. Who knows what secret sorrows lie just below, or what crap cards life has dealt you.

So I have to keep reminding myself every time I want to compare and scream and throw one holy mother of a temper tantrum that is not necessary. This is my path and my (not so) secret sorrow. And each of you has your own.


Trying to compare will only drive me crazy, bat shit crazy. 


  1. Dear Little Diane: I read this blog at Mom's house yesterday. Your honesty is not amazing, since the Hysan gals seem incapable of telling a lie. But your willingness to share reflects the core of your strength. I deeply admire how you and Robert are coping with the events of the past few months .... and how you are preparing for the months ahead. You mentioned there are a number of 'angels' who will help you and I wondered if they have a website where a contribution might be made. Just a thought. Love, aunt di

  2. Hi Diane- I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I just realized you dropped out of our FB group (DDDC),And I totally understand why. I just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my prayers. If you ever want to come back, just let me are missed in there!

  3. I was going to say the same as Jennifer...I will never understand nor will I ever know what you are feeling but we are here for you even if you need a hug. ...(((hugs)))

  4. Having friends who have lost children, I already know that sweating the small stuff is insensitive. You are inspiring. Thanks for sharing a piece of your heart.