People keep telling me how strong I am.
I am going to be really honest here. I don't feel very strong. I feel like a total weenie most days, a blubbering fool or Gumby, ready to fall over at the drop of a dime.
I didn't make the decision to carry on with this pregnancy based on my unrelenting strength, die hard religious conviction or anti abortion sentiment. It was becuase I coundn't make any choice. I just could not decide how long this baby got to live or when it got to die. It wasn't my choice to make. I figured I would let the baby or nature decide for me.
That doesn't feel very strong. Sometimes it feels like a sissy way out.
There are days I beg nature to decide already and put me out of my misery. Days where I think I cannot do this one second longer and it would be better if this child passed away. Days I think that might be the answer to ease this pain.
Then I feel like a total asshat for even thinking thoughts like this.
I know the only time I am going to get with this child is while it is still in my belly and the very short moments after birth, if we even make it that far. I try to make the best of it. To relish in every kick, every movement, every bout of killer heartburn. I try to be positive, to be brave and not complain. But damn it is hard.
Some days I wish I had a better reason for my decision, other than it wasn't my choice to make. Would it be easier if I could shout at the top of my lungs "Jesus loves the little children" and believe without a shadow of a doubt this is part of Gods master plan. Perhaps. Would it be easier if I had spent years picketing abortion clinics and this was a true test of my beliefs. Maybe. Is there anything that could possibly make something like this easier and give me strength. I really don't think so.
So I am going to hike up my big girl panties and soldier on and stand by my choice to not make a choice.
Maybe someday I will let out a fierce roar and feel the strength, but for now I am just going to try not to fall down.
You know what's really strong; spider webs, cats that run into burning buildings to save their kittens, vegans who never eat bacon, Marines and Kevlar.
But not me.
Of course Diane you ARE strong. It's easy to feel like you're weak when you're ready to crack under the pressure. It's easy to feel weak when being strong seems to suck the life out of you. It's really easy to feel weak when you succumb to hating the moments of strength and the toll they take on you. This is not a journey you can love; it's not a time in your life when being grateful makes more sense than being bitter. It's not a time when being happy makes more sense than being sad. But for all the times I've spent with you since you found out about your baby's condition, I have not seen you cry. I have not seen you quit. I have not seen you drop your determination to be happy rather than sad. I see you smile, and laugh and truly relish the time you're getting. You're choice was the hardest one; you chose to delay the moment when you could stop fighting, stop being positive, stop waiting and start mourning. To know that the mourning will come is scary, and to face it head on each day with the spirit you have takes all the strength, courage and devotion I think anyone is capable. This is your burning building kitten rescue, your kevlar moment. You are not weak. You're not an asshat. You're beautiful and wonderful for taking a terrible situation and facing it head on with dignity and love.
ReplyDeleteEvery child, every pregnancy is a gift. You have accepted that gift and appreciated it. Sometimes, we receive gifts that puzzle us and only understand them later. God, I hope that doesn't sound stupidly insensitive--Hopefully, you get my meaning.
ReplyDeleteDiane, have you thought about having professional photos taken of your beautiful little boy when he is born? I know there are photographers out there who donate this service. I wish I could remember the name of the website that such photographers belong to.