Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Ready As I'll Never Be

I have hit the 38 week mark today.



Recently I woke up thinking I was in labor 2 days in a row. Turned out to be just gas pains and I had to go to the bathroom. Lovely, but it got me thinking just how close we are to meeting this little baby and it scares the living daylights out of me.


I am torn. In a way I am ready for the next chapter, to finally get to meet him, and to not be pregnant anymore. I am puffy, my hip hurts and getting out of bed 300 times a night to pee involves grunting and rolling.


But I know what giving birth means this time around. He will pass on. I will have no snuggly newborn to bring home, no cute pictures to take or funny I have been crapped on 3 times today stories to share. What I will have is a giant ass grief hole I get to try not to sink into every day.


My bag is packed, not with diapers and baby stuff, but with things to make memories in minutes with. And I have spent a small fortune on all sorts of holistic stress and grief remedies since I am not a huge fan of prescription drugs.


So we wait, and I try to fill my days with good things and good memories; finding the joy, decorating for Christmas, playing with Lenora, sewing and eating way to many bowls of ice cream.

 


It’s hard to believe we have made it this far, but I know in my heart I have given this little babe a chance at life, however long that may be.

22 comments:

  1. Little Di,
    You are so incredibly strong. I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling but know that I love you so much, and I'm here for you.
    Love, Meg

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  2. I commend you for your strength. I hope and pray that you get to experience joy with your little one and that you find peace and comfort during the holidays.

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  3. Sending you love and light today, beautiful girl. I am so very, very sorry.

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  4. I found your blog today & just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you & your family. You are in my prayers.

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  5. I wish I could reach through the computer screen and just hug you. You are extraordinary. Your story really touches me for reasons I will not share at the moment because now is not the time. Now is the time to let you know that there is a stranger in California sending you and your family much love.

    I am touched by your strength, resolve, candor, and outlook.

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  6. Your story really touches me a lot !!! Just wanted to tell you that I am thinking a lot of you !! You and your family are in my prayers !

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  7. I am in tears reading this...I am so very sorry. My thoughts and my heart are with you and your family.

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  8. Sending you a big hug and lettting you know that we may be far but are with you in spirit. Reading your blog for the first time. Be strong. You are in our prayers.

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  9. Your strength knows no bounds! Msy God continue to bless you & your family. You are all in my prayers.

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  10. My first time reading your blog and I am almost in tears just reading what you are about to face. I have no words to comfort you, I only can tell you that I'll be praying and thinking of you, your baby and your family.

    God Bless you!

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  11. Love and light to you, your family and your Lil Nugget. You're an amazing spirit and mother.

    Happy Lisa from AutismWonderland shared your post!

    Sending you lots of love,

    Vicky

    Http://www.kindnessandkisses.com

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  12. I just read a post on Unknown Mami's blog about your story, your grief. I am so sorry you will not be bringing your baby home but I am in awe of your love as a mother to him. You are a beautiful woman with great strength. I don't know you yet I admire you very much.

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  13. I learned about your story via another blogger. I am speechless but thank you for being an example of courage and love.

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  14. Reaching out with tons of love. I am sorry you have to go through something like this, but you are one strong courageous woman and I'm glad to know of you.

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  15. You are so brave, and I admire your courage. I hope that you find peace in knowing that you will and have given that little babe the best life possible, despite how short it might be. Sending my thoughts and love.

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  16. Your courage is inspiring. Sending lots of support and love your way *HUGS*

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  17. I just want to hug you tight and hold you.Send you and your family love. I believe in miracles. God bless you, Diane. You are a shining light in this world.

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  18. Merry Xmas!! Came across your blog and was happy to read it..

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  19. Stopping by from Unknown Mami's to send all my angels your way.
    xo jj

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  20. Oh I am so very sorry for the pain you have to go through. Sending you so much love. I lost my daughter several days after her birth and I wish there were never another mother to go through such pain.

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  21. Oh my goodness. Finally back in blog land I just read all the special comments everyone sent me. It brings tears to my eyes and your support is just what we need. Thank you all so much for taking the time to reach out to a stranger and hold my hand.

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