Grief

This past Sunday was International Bereaved Mothers Day. It got me thinking about the timeline of grief and how long it lasts.

 
I am a list checker. I write things down, then cross them off. It helps me to remember what I need to focus on and gives me a sense of accomplishment when I complete the task.

The tricky thing with grieving is that it isn’t something you can just “do” then cross off the list. There is this unspoken (and often times spoken) idea that you will be better after a few months or a year. That could not be further from the truth.

There is no timeline, no date when it ends and no gold star on the calendar. It’s a forever process. I will never fully move on from the death of my sweet boy, or ever get over it, or ever forget. I will always be a bereaved mother. 

There are good days, ok days and then days where that nasty grief reaches up and bitch slaps me right in the face. It is tough work, this grief business, but I keep on working through it. One day at a time, one minute at a time and sometimes one second at a time. 

Retail Therapy

While I was off convalescing I indulged in quite a bit of retail therapy. Thankfully for our family budget my version of retail therapy usually involves the local thrift store and no more than 5 or 10$. I picked up a few treasures I thought I would share. 

I love wooden toys, especially old wooden toys. This little highchair is so sweet and lovely.  

Happy little Noah's Arc. Is it just me or does that giraffe look like a dog with a really long neck? 

I also love dish towels. Paper towels are a sin in our house (except for bacon and barf, we do have one emergency roll). Can you believe this was only a dollar? I just imagine the little lady that sat and made this for her family.

Even though I have a bazillion pyrex bowls I could not pass up this complete mixing set. A gift maybe? 

I hope you find a few gems on your thrifting adventures. 

Can Caddy

I am still sewing/crafting. That and reading are the only things that stop the insane wasp nest of anxiety inside my brian. 

But in no way can I take credit for this project. The idea is a shameless rip off from Sandi Henderson, Robert did most of the work and a friend even provided the freshly washed cans. 

We had everything but the knob feet which set us back a whopping two dollars at the local home improvement store. The only thing I did was decoupage the old maps onto the cans. I will say I did a right nice job of picking local maps. 

Decoupaging is relaxing and therapeutic. I need to do more of that. Glue stuff onto other stuff. 

I love this caddy. Its perfect to store all the markers and pens that Lenora loves to color with and easy to carry around. So get on out there and get yourself a handy husband, some cans and have at it. 

Cracked Egg

We had an impromptu easter egg dying get together courtesy of Grandma JoJo. 

These traditional holiday things slip my mind these days. Im sure it will get better but we just kinda go with it, whatever happens. 

It was nice, really nice. I need to be better at remembering to do this, making more happy memories and messes, lots of happy messes. 

Maybe we are like this egg. Cracked but beautiful. And man is that one beautiful egg. Tasty with salt too. 

Hope you all had a nice Easter, Spring Equinox or whatever celebration it is that brings you joy. 

Great Expectations

A family we know experiencing their own devastating loss gave Robert and I one of the best pieces of advice to navigate the sea of grief we live in these days. They told us to give up the expectations we have of those around us.

I had to mull this one over for a bit because I generally have high expectations; of those around me and of myself. I am a do more, do better, love fiercely, be your best, be there for your friends and family, put it all on the table kind of gal.

But I have found in the face of major life altering event two things will happen:

1. You will be disappointed and heartbroken by those you had high expectations of. People we have known for years, who I thought would be there to hold our hands, send a text or a card, or words of support, weren’t. Regardless of the reason it stings. My hospice counselor said it best when she told me not only was I mourning for the loss of my son I was also mourning the loss of relationships I really valued.          
2. You will be incredibly amazed by the support you receive from places you didn’t expect it. My coworker who didn’t have the words slipped a Hershey bar on my desk every few days, friends of friends sent emails and asked how we were doing, Amish women worked endlessly to finish a quilt in record time. It came from people and places we could not have imagined. It lifted us up when we couldn’t lift ourselves.

And I haven’t even touched on the support from our parents, close family or other special people because there isn’t enough bandwidth on the internet to say thank you for all they did. One day I will try but it will probably never measure up. 

My goal for 2013 is to let my expectations go, of others and myself. I am giving them up and moving on. 

It’s hard as hell. I am not going to lie; sometimes I want to cling to them fiercely.  But I have found that when I do incredible things begin to happen. Relationships come easier, I am gentler on myself and others, and I feel lighter. Those damn expectations weigh a ton. It’s like my instructor says in yoga class: “Leave what does not serve you outside your mat”. They were not serving me so I am checking them at the door. 

Here is to a brighter and lighter 2013. 

Just because she is the reason I get up every morning. 

Winslow Tote

This is the last of the Christmas projects I have to share. Man am I behind. 

I made this tote before for Lenora's daycare teachers but my sister in law requested one ages ago. I surprised her with one for Christmas. 

She loves the color green so I based my fabric choices on that. I love the combination of polka dolts and geometric prints. 

This pattern is easy to follow, its free and its a great way to use lots of amazing fabrics in one project. What more can you ask for? Plus its all square pieces and straight seams, which makes it great for beginners. Try it out, you won't be disappointed. 

Two Generations of Dish Towels

Every time we visited my father in law Bob I jokingly said I was going to steal his dish towels. Only I wasn't joking. I really wanted to snatch those babies up and run for the hills. 

His mother made them and they were hand embroidered with fruits, veggies and days of the week birds. The best thing is they used them, every day. A lot of work went into those towels but they were not just set aside, they were loved, and well worn. 

One day Bob showed up at our house and gifted me with the coveted dish towels. I think I squealed with delight. We too use them every day and they are just about falling apart. So this Christmas I decided to make Bob a new set of towels. 

I found the same exact Aunt Martha's Hot Iron Transfer patterns his mother used got to work. I had every intention of making him a full set of 7 but they took a lot longer than I had anticipated. I told him he might get the rest for his birthday, or next Christmas or the Christmas after that. 

Who knows, but I did finish 2 and here they are, my second generation dish towels. I hope grandma approves.